Greed: The Rules To Eating

Eating, and being around people who love food is my favourite thing in life. Food is my saviour, my downfall, my everything. People who say they got to 10pm before realising they hadn’t eaten all day just ain’t in my tribe. Hell, people who get to 10am without at least thinking about some kind of egg dish rarely make the cut. Whereas food brings me a huge deal of joy, if something isn’t quite right it’ll bring me a huge deal of trauma. Not one for the dramatics obviously, but there are a few things that bring me lower than apple bottom jeans, and here’s a list of them.

1) Not having a menu available online therefore preventing The Essential Pre Meal Menu Browse. If you don’t have a website at all then I have no idea how you still gain business, but those who do have a website, what’s really the point unless you’re not going to give some kind of indication of what we can expect?! Menu browsing before a meal is one of life’s little luxuries to me and is all part of the ritual of eating out. What if you get to the restaurant and everyones talking and wants a piece of you and the waiter comes and you order a chicken and mango salad (an admirable choice, don’t get me wrong) but then tucked away on the bottom was some kind of baked halloumi / brisket / maple, cherry and duck salad that you didn’t see? Well it would ruin your bloody night wouldn’t it. The Essential Pre Meal Menu Browse would stop that from happening. It also gives you something to look forward to all bloody day!

2) Following on from that, pre ordering your meal. I get it; if you’re in a big group or are going at peak times, I understand it makes things a hell of a lot easier for the restaurant and quicker for us diners. But what if you ordered just after eating so can only really visualise eating salad?! And you get there and haven’t eaten all day and everyone else is having the mixed grill platter to share to themselves and three tomato slices and a speck of mozzarella turns up for yourself. Upsetting.

3) Collective tip schemes at restaurants. When I tip someone for looking after me at a meal, I want that money to go to them. Not into a pot which gets split between everyone. Even worse than that, it was claimed today that Cote Brassiere don’t even give the tips that are added on at the end of bill to their staff, justifying it by saying they pay their waiters more than the minimum wage so it goes towards that. What a crock of shit!! Bra-bloody-vo for not employing slave labour and all, but if you enforce a tip on my bill at the end of my meal I expect it to go to the waiting staff. It’s a bloody tough job and if they do it well and a diner wants to thank them for that, that money should go to them. And shame on Cote Brassiere for trying to claim otherwise.

4) Shared tables. This is predominantly aimed at you Wagamamas. I don’t want to feel like I'm in a canteen at school, and certainly don’t want to have to keep my voice down from the shock, horror and or glee at the gossip that’s just been shared with me by my fellow diner in case the family of 12 that's seated next to us gets offended. (They will almost definitely get offended.) I am paying for dinner with you; the least you can do is accommodate us with a table that’s just for us.

5) Food manufacturers that put “perfect for sharing!” on their packets. Stop it. We ain’t sharing, and you trying to guilt us isn’t going to work. In fact, very little gives me a greater sense of achievement in polishing off a “perfect for sharing” bag in less than five minutes. Perhaps that’s their actual motivation behind putting it on there in the first place!

6) These last two don't really affect the way I eat but bring me down in general. The terms “cheat meal” or “being naughty.” Fuck clean off guys! Unless you’re using banned substances to win seven Tour De France competitions, you aren’t cheating. Being naughty is chewing through two laptop cables in less than a week (Baxter Bear is lucky he’s handsome!) Eating a carb on a Tuesday or a full fat latte and a croissant when you’re having a hellish day isn’t cheating or being naughty, its life! It happens! Put it behind you and get back on track tomorrow. Also, banging on about how you’ve only eaten spinach for three months now doesn’t make you more virtuous, it just makes you a bore. Don’t be that guy.

7) On that note, being wheat free gluten free lactose free and flavour free when you don’t have any kind of food intolerance. This doesn’t make you healthier in the least and in fact you could be missing out on key nutrients by cutting out entire food groups without reason. I’ve recently realised I'm probably very mildly lactose intolerant, but that doesn’t mean I’ve kissed goodbye to dairy products for good, because I'm more concerned about my calcium intake. I’ve worked out what upsets my stomach and I work my diet around them. I imagine waiters all around the UK taking bets on which of their diners will take the menu up on their “ask our waiters about Gluten Free options!” and having a bloody good laugh about them and their non celiac diseased bodies. Once again, please please please, don’t be that guy! And for those that also love to eat, I love this from Harpers!

#food #greed #lactose #gluten #cheatmeal #cotebrasserie